Life and Love

   What is it about life and love? We think that we know exactly what we want, we go for it and then we mess it up! So many questions and so little answers. Should we go through our lives so scared and on guard that we sabatoge our relationships? Should we love with reckless abandon so as to feel deeply and know we are alive but risk our hearts breaking? I have loved deeply and still do but I am very aware that there are so many different kinds of love and even to different degrees. I also think that as we get older our expectations change and our insecurities kick in along with so many questions.
   I will always rather to have risk my heart and truly loved because I really don't think that you can actually die from a broken heart even though it feels like it at the time. What I do know for sure is that I will never be sorry for having loved deeply for then it is when I really know what I am capable of. It brings a joy that cannot be matched and a sense of things much bigger than yourself when you choose to love someone with all your heart whether that love is right or wrong or whether it lasts forever or just moments it is a glorious thing. I hope to always love like that!

Time is Drawing Nearer

  

The beautiful Mabry's Mill on the Blue Ridge Parkway just a few miles from my parents

Things have been very hectic here with my making plans to move back to Virginia. So many loose ends to tie up and why do I have so much stuff?! The thoughts of being back amongst true friends and to be back where I have serious connections keeps me going forward each day.

  

Come Dream With Me

      I dream of a place where it is okay to be yourself. A place where family and good true friends are the rule and not the exception. A place where the hustle and bustle of this crazy wonderful life melts away as I pull into the long driveway lined with shrubs and trees that delight the senses. A place that as it appears in the distance shows the hard work and abundance of a beautiful garden and an orchard overflowing with it's bounty thankful for the care that I have given it. I hear the sound of the nearby creek as it also washes away my cares. Then as I slowly creep ahead as to savor ever single sight and sound, the rumble of my 52 chevy truck has now alerted all the inhabitants of my little farm to the fact that Moms home as I see heads and tails running from here and fro as if the sky is falling. Everyone (or should I say everything) wants to be seen and loved (or maybe just fed whatever treats that I have managed to bring home but I prefer to think the former). As I pull up beside my barn (aka my house) out comes the cats who insist on almost hurling themselves against my legs as if they have to be first in line to get some undivided attention or they might just die right on the spot. I look up to see the dogs now closing in as if to say enough already-my turn. Now the sounds coming from the barnyard are starting to get louder as they must each have their names called out like roll call in school. First, there is my Sadie girl (she's a beautiful buckskin quarterhorse with no papers which doesn't seem to bother either of us). Then there are all of my wonderful funny goats-1st there is Big Red (he weighs in at around 300lbs and I can still remember when at 200lbs he still wanted to crawl up in my lap!). 2nd is Nilla Bean-yes, she is all white with a gut on her like gravity has not been her friend. Then there is Carmello who is just the goofiest looking thing. A nubian with those huge droopy ears and that great roman nose. He has to be the equivalent to a gawky teenage boy. All dork. His coloring is wonderful as he looks like a reverse dalmation dog. Black with white spots and he still thinks that he can't possibly be a goat! Then there is my two little ones-Dwarf Nigerians. 1st there is Poppy who is less than 20 inches tall with a belly like a five gallon bucket setting on what can't be more than 6in legs. She's an independant little fart until you get out of her sight and last but not least there is Moses. He is just a beautiful sweet good for nothing wether but he's mine and loved.

   Then I have two sheep. Rambo, an icelandic ram with a nice set of everything on him and his girl, a little wild woman shetland ewe. She is the only one who I believe would be happy with no human contact but darn her, that's just not the way we do things down here in the south!

   I now hear a bunch of cackling and crowing going on out back so either someone has just given me another present or there is a party going on without me. Let me check it out. Well, no party but I do have quite a number of eggs however small from my little flock of rare bantam chickens. I truly love you all and thank you. I turn the corner and spy running around in their safe little pen a couple of dwarf lop-eared rabbits. They love to be held and there isn't anything much softer to nuzzle under your neck. I just have the rabbits cause I can. My jersey cow is next. Lots of milk, cream, butter, ice cream and anything else I can come up with.

    Well, now to head inside with cats and dogs rushing past me as I open the door like their hair is on fire! Silly wonderful critters!

   O home at last! My little piece of heaven. Small and incredibly me, I look around and my house speaks volumes of who I am and what I love. There are antiques everywhere but only functional ones-okay maybe a couple that at this point are really not useful; the large copper apple butter kettle, wait, it holds fire wood. That makes it useful doesn't it?! Speaking of wood, you should pull up a chair next to the wood stove. It is the most incredible heat that you will ever have. Never mind the mess, which reminds me, you did catch the sign outside the door, right? "If you came to see me come on; If you came to see my house please call for appointment!"

   Looking around I am not sure what to do first-books everywhere. I could read. Gosh, they are all how-to. I could make something! Maybe later after feeding time. I stroll over to the pantry-it has it's own room! Looks kinda like a store and then there is all the canning jars with the years bounty just waiting patiently for the pleasure of being taken off the shelf and put proudly on the table where it can really shine. I do love a pantry. My parents still have one. Somewhere it got lost in translation that I don't have a wife and five kids to feed, and you sure can't tell that by the looks of my pantry but there is a piece of mind that comes from having a great abundance of food which also explains the root cellar and the two freezers! Hey, I never know what I will be hungry for and I can just about guarantee when I figure it out, I have it! Isn't life grand! 
   I believe I have it all or will have soon. Most of this post is how I live now only the geography is different. All animal names have not been changed to protect the innocent. My ideal life is not so out of reach and I hope that you all (I'm from the south ya know) will enjoy this journey with me. This blog is as much about dreams as it is a gratitude journal and hopefully an empowerment tool for women everywhere to remind us to nurture ourselves and our dreams not just everyone else's. Women-take care of one another-love one another-support one another-encourage one another-Empower one another! And keep in touch so when I get my little house you can come and sit a spell with me. We can feed each other!

Taken from the cottage that I have been living in for the past 3 1/2 years overlooking Sadony Bayou and Lake Michigan in  December

This is a wonderful picture of the cottage that has been almost totally renovated. It was built out of handmade block on site by the original owner in 1911

This is the beautiful arbor that I built out of  cedar. I made a raised platform and one day while at the dump I spied a large pile of pressure treated triangles that had been discarded from what must have been a very long set of stairs stringers so I brought more home from the dump than I took! I sat down and for two days I worked them like a jigsaw puzzle, carefully arranging and rearranging until I had it just right. Now all nailed in, I stained them different colors as to really show off my handiwork. Also beside the arbor you can see the outdoor oven that I was building. I sure had plans for that place!

Some Will Never Get It & That's Okay Because I Am In Control Of My Own Reality

It has been a rough few weeks but even with that being said I somehow have a sense of peace and a sense of relief that I have not had in a long time. I let myself get mixed up with someone who doesn't have a clue and who's life has been one disaster and one drama after another because he is to afraid to really live and to let go of the past. To live without the paranoia and strive to live a life that you can be proud of. It is a never ending cycle of work, trial and error. One of which some will never master because they are so caught up in themselves.

   I want more out of my life than that and I am not willing to settle and I will be @%$#*& if I will give my reality over to someone else. My mind is in such a good place even if my heart has a little catching up to do. I am grateful for the life I have, the people who have been an inspiration and for the joy that I feel in spite of lost people who do bad or wrong things as I truly believe that we will all have to answer for the things we do and the way we treat people. I must have done some things right as I am lucky and gratetful to have lifelong friends who are there at the drop of a hat. They say that you get what you give, and I always want to keep that in mind as I strive to be that kind of person. 

   I want a life full of joy, love, peace, family and friends-and of course my animals! Can't imagine a life without them. They are always happy to see you and love you unconditionally. What joy to have in my life.

This is what I want my future home to look like. No mcMansion for me. Just a cozy, comfortable place that I can live and grow old in surrounded by the people and things that I love. One where the door is always open and friends are always welcome to come visit.

Soon! Oh so soon! I'll keep you posted and we'll throw a wonderful open house! Can't wait to see you there! Love to all

Some Days are So Much Better Than Others

This is my pretty girl, Susie Q, 
she is at the trainer's right now. She is
quite the horse. All she wants to do is run. 
She has reining and roping blood lines and is one fast lady. She is actually a little more horse that I want and I will be looking at getting rid of her before my move to Virginia. Susie needs a job to do constantly. She loves to work. She is a beautiful girl with her curly black mane and tail and the dorsal stripe and the tiger striping on her legs.
Yesterday was a really good day. My friend from North Carolina  emailed me yesterday asking if I was packed yet. I do believe that she is now real serious about having me come and intern for the summer with her on her homestead. Oh what fun! Lot's of work but I love that, and what I can learn from her. As I said before, She does it all. She makes all kinds of bread, she makes butter, chevre, cottage cheese, has all her own milk, eggs, makes mozzarella, has a garden to die for, she cans everything, and what she can't can she dehydrates

So I am really excited about the possibility. I want to renovate my camper so that I can take it with me and live there part time and go back and forth between North Carolina and Virginia. The anticipation and the wait are just killing me especially since we are almost butt deep and 20 degrees as the high here in Michigan. I will miss the life that I planned here more than anyone will ever know but it is time to move on when you are no longer appreciated. So off
I go to the land of milk and honey, and cheese, and homemade bread. I hear the pounds doing a high five already! Darn them!

The Life You Leave Behind

This is a picture of  my garden on the centennial farm that I built from scratch. Very rustic don't ya think?

Seems like I have started over so many times in my life probably because I have been searching for something. I have made a lot of mistakes and have been so taken advantage of, trusted and believed in people who didn't deserve me and yet I have learned so much but I still wouldn't go back and do it all over again.
   Here is a little poem that a friend who knows what I am going through just sent to me. I love it!

Thought For The Day:

Women are Angels.

And when someone breaks our wings....

We simply continue to fly ......... on a broomstick...

We are flexible....

Life is too Short!

   Where has the time gone? Seems like it wasn't that long ago that I was a child (or maybe it's that thing when you can remember what you did 31 years and 7 1/2 months ago but can't find my keys that I know that I just had in my hand and I can't remember what I had for breakfast!). That's okay cause maybe if I stay away from the mirror I will also forget how bad my hair really looks today!
   Anyway, time just seems to fly by anymore. I am grateful for everyday even as I sometimes just drudge ahead.  I am grateful that I still have my parents. My Dad has always been one of the most hardworking resourceful people that I know. Good thing is that he doesn't get around like he used to (makes it harder to catch me now-still gotta watch his aim though!). 
   And then there is my Mom. We spent a lot of years apart emotionally and there were times that I thought that things would never change and that we would never be close but thank goodness that we both grew up and realized that old wounds needed to heal and quicker than you can shake a stick, we had mended many years of hurt and estrangement. Now, I am feverishly trying to make up for lost time. When she used to get so mad at me she would tell me that I was just like my father.........well, today her & and I are more alike than any other of the children. I feel blessed to have her be such a big part of my life and can't wait to move back to Virginia to be near her. 
   We both love our animals as I remember my Mom always to be the one to nurse any helpless farm animal back to life. We both have this love of antiques and have incredibly similar styles of decorating. I can always buy for her just by getting her something that I would like. We are the only two that are really into gardening big time. We also both have this artistic streak and we plan to pursue the idea of a little artist studio down in the big house where I plan to live for awhile (my parents built a beautiful and modest cabin on the hill behind and above the big house a couple of years ago) so we will set up a studio where we can escape and work at making anything our heart desires while we chat the hours away.

My parents new cabin on the hill

Here are a couple more pics of my wonderful little ones. Poppy is on the left & Moses is on the right

They are both Nigerian Dwarf goats who truly believe that they are your shadows! 

Another Day

You know they say that everything happens for a reason only sometimes the reasons appear to make no sense and seem unfair or cruel. That may actually be true but I also believe that every cloud has a silver lining if you choose to look for it. I have learned over the last several years that there are those that will use and abuse us but then usually only when we allow them to.
I say good riddance to those and have my eye on a different but incredibly more wonderful life without someone else's baggage. I was just talking to a friend that I have only seen just a handful of times in the past few years since leaving North Carolina but who I liked from the first day that I met and have managed to keep up with, miss and admire for her incredible drive and determination when it comes to self-sufficiency (see her at www.maplelanehomestead.com)and tell her that I sent you. We have always had so much in common and believe me she does it all. I take my boots off to her and aspire to be half the woman that she is. Anyway she just emailed me with a half-hearted offer of an internship with her for the summer and now I can't get the idea out of my head. I would be back again just north of Charlotte, NC where I spent several years and made many friends only to move from there with my husband for a job in Indiana so the idea of returning to where I have many fond memories of being a master gardener and the farmers market manager, taught many classes and have friends that I will forever be connected to and then the idea of working side by side with what I believe to be one of the most amazing women I have ever met, the idea sends chills, and to top it off this would only be 2 1/2 hours from my parents, all of my sisters and their families and my son and his family. What a wonderful world it will be. I am just beside myself with possibilities!
I have to share some of the brightest spots in my life right now. My animals are such a joy in my life. Their unconditional love and acceptance with so little asked in return. God knew we needed them!

This is my Polly. Always in my heart!

This is my beautiful cat Rascal perched on my nice saddle

Life Changes

   Well, it is not January 1st and time for new years resolutions but better late than never. I am about to embark on a new and exciting journey. I have worked almost exclusively 24/7 on one project for the past 3 1/2 years on a cenntennial farm preservation and restoration project but after much pain and many hurdles and obstacles it looks like the owner is no longer able to handle or maintain a vision and will not be able to continue at the pace due in much part to my hard work and financial investment. It is with great sadness that it has come down to this but I walk away knowing that I went above and beyond what any other will ever do. So I will say goodbye to what was going to be a lifelong endever and start focusing on myself and what I wish to have in my life. Funny thing was that I moved to Michigan a little over 4 years ago to essentially simplify my life and I invested more in a situation that had more baggage than a freightliner.
    So now as I recover from much heartache over the whole situation I am incredibly overjoyed at the direction that my life is about to take. I was born and raised in California with my parents having moved to a very rural area in SW Virginia when I was in my mid teens to a 165 acre farm. The work was hard and the meals plentiful. We always had farm animals even in California but now we were in Virginia with all this land and an incredible amount of work to do on a farm that had been allowed to fall into disrepair. But here was my father determined with a string of 5 children behind him (I was 15, next girl 12, twin girls 10 and the only boy only 6 years old), to set out to make this a beautiful productive farm again. The first summer we put up over 11 thousand bales of hay, and I don't mean those beautiful large round bales that are basically handled by a one man team. I mean the thousands of small square bales that my father would make as tight and heavy as possible cause loose ones took up more space and because he could. I essentially worked harder than any man I ever knew except for my father. I'm sure I had muscles coming out of my ears. I can still dig fence posts with the best of them. Boy does my dad love to tell stories of how many posthole diggers I busted and buried. He conviently forgets to tell that all digging tools had 3 ft marks on them so I understood how much farther that I had to go and oh, the other thing that he rarely mentions is that we put the coral right on top of an old river bed which required sometimes digging a hole three foot wide and then three foot deep just to get the bolders out! It was a very hard life for a California farm girl to move to such a rural area where even to this day, 33 years later there is still only one stoplight in the entire county.


    At 17 I graduated from high school and could not wait to get off that gosh awful farm. I went through a couple of marriges and many relationships searching for my place. Preferably as far away from that farm as earthly possible.

   Now 33 years later I find myself drawn back to that place that my father insisted that he bring us as children and young adults. My parents are now in their early 70's and I feel the need to be there just in case but also because it's really hard to go visit and see this farm that at one time with 5 children was so impeccably maintained (I'm convinced that it looked like that just because he was always looking to keep us busy and the boys at bay although looking back my parents must have had so much fun cause my father would intentionally set up work when the boys were set to come over so if the guys wanted to see us or go anywhere the chores had to be done first. Lots more help! Poor boys!), anyway, as I was saying, now when I go see this one time manicured farm with its areas overgrown and barns in need of paint, fences to fix and......I have this incredible urge to just stay and see what one 48yr old can do. I need that! I also would like to see the look on my parents face at what I know has to be a hard time watching a one time incredibly maintained farm not have the care and love that was once there come back to life.